My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
What about second breakfast?
don’t be scared
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.