Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.