Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals