5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Well, that didn’t work.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way