Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
did it work
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
December birthdays be like…
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.