Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please