Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
necessity is the mother of invention
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest