The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic