Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Who did it better?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No