My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
i spent way too long on this