It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm