If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Damn what did I do next
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.