me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.