“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him