[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
December birthdays be like…
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin