Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
No way!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’