Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!