Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My Plans 2020
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.