Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.