Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea