Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
mood
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”