When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
You Might Also Like
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”