[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.