A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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there’s probably a fee though
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.