Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
You Might Also Like
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.