came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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Happy Caturday!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
tinder is all about the long game
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Doggies just call it style.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.