Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.