Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
your honor my client chooses dare
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants