Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.