Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
bought wrong eggs
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight