moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
selfie game
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.