probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The Struggle
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope