COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
bias laundering edition
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*