[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out