*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you鈥檝e known chaos.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i鈥檓 like oh you get that from me.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Just because you haven鈥檛 met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband鈥檚 large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he鈥檚 had his bath
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don鈥檛 exercise
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
This guy鈥檚 not having it 馃槅
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My wife when I鈥檝e lost something: It鈥檚 on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I 鈥榰nno…did you look in the freezer?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what鈥檚 up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn