boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You Might Also Like
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Monday Lisa
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Thursday
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband