A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced