Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.