Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Love is in the air fryer.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Greeting humans vs their dogs
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
How to draw a duck
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?