So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.