Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Blew out my flip flop…
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him