[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice