“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You Might Also Like
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.