Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.