Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death