[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.