If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse