As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon