2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Meow
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.