If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
thank god
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.